first swim in a billion years

I have had it! I have had enough with not swimming, and gaining back old fears about swimming (including, and I kid you not, “what if I forget how to put on a swimming costume??”), and I think all the swimmers I follow on instagram feel let down by me! Oh, of course the swimmers don’t follow me back because they are busy setting world records, and I am only setting world records in tedious anxiety dreams, but never mind!

I have actually been too nervous to even tell my swimming gang that I was going swimming, as I wasn’t sure if my first swim in ages would put me back in a worse position than I was in when I “started”. But I’m happy to say, my first swim in ages was brilliant!

TIME: goodness knows?

DISTANCE: 1,000m??

CRAMP: nul (amazing)

Now, I’m pretty sure I counted 1,000m – and I’m feeling strangely confident in my actual counting ability this time as well? However, 1,000m and “not being dead” seems REALLY GOOD for someone who hasn’t swum for months, so I almost can’t believe it. But perhaps it was? In other good news: I didn’t get foot cramp! But in not-so-great news: only 4-5 of these 25m lengths were front crawl, and they were pretty exhausting. And my feet did feel like there was cramp *~potential~* at the end of the length. None actually happened, but I did let myself go back to breast stroke pretty quickly. So, my first lengths of crawl were probably about 200-300m in, and they were exhausting. The latter two were towards the end, and felt a little easier. I had been reminding myself that swimming seems to take a ridiculously long time to “warm up” throughout, so perhaps this is just the way of things.


I have made a momentous decision, and have BINNED Jolyon Fish Face Fidget Spinner’s swimathon plan. I’m sure it’s great and would work for decent swimmers! But the fact that it is planned for people who are capable of two swim speeds in the first place kind of reveals it’s a bit beyond me. It’s just mad! Perhaps I printed out an advanced one rather than a beginner?? I went back to check on the swimathon page, but the links to the training plans are all broken.

So, now I have no formal swim plan staring at me from my wall. I am guessing that if I can swim more regularly, and anything between 800-1,200m – and work up to doing more crawl, then that probably won’t do me much “harm”, right?

Now, my next “task” is to actually go swimming again – as soon my special ladies time gives it a rest, that is.


After I’d finished and was changing I realised a HOLE had developed in my costume.

In the GUSSET area.

Had anyone noticed….?


first swim in a billion years

long time not much splosh

Oh dear, see what happens when I don’t have a goal? A week of swimming, followed by a holiday, followed by busy time, followed by [etc etc] and before I know it it’s September – and the last post was in May! I could have had a May to September romance in this time (that’s what that term means, right)!

In the interim, I suppose I haven’t done nothing! I have:

  • taken a series of Japanese classes!
  • watched the Olympics!
  • Picked up a long abandoned cardigan I am knitting and got back to work on the ratted thing!
  • Er…
  • Eaten a lot of…. toast?

Swimming wise, I have had a summer of South London Lidos! I have visited Brockwell, Charlton and Tooting Lido. And in each one, I can’t have done more than a couple of hundred metres amongst the general floating around.

The last time I went to Brockwell Lido it was quite odd – it tasted very SALTY! The pool had a huge deposit of dirt about three quarters on the way to the deep end where the pool must have a little valley down there, causing a large brown water area. It was fine and I didn’t dispute the water was fine to swim in, but the salt! Oy.

To get back on the horse, I have started the sign up process for the Aspire Channel Swim, 22 miles in a pool in 12 (I think?) weeks. The sign up isn’t finished, as they don’t consider it complete until a justgiving page is completed… we’ll see…



long time not much splosh

MAY 3 – quick splash


TIME: 24mins.

Quick swim this evening as I had a strategy session to get to on the other side of town. Good job I did too – I think I nabbed the last unreserved table! As I forgot to write this up earlier, I don’t have much to say about it, so instead can we talk about the tacky baby Phelps photo? I knew Phelps was boring but I didn’t know his publicity was done by Spencer Rowell. And, Boomer? I mean, if that was the name of a Nandos Meal Deal I’d give the man some credit, but as it is he might have well called the child Cylon.


MAY 3 – quick splash

my swim kit

I have packed my bag all ready for swimathon. But what is IN my bag? What have I been lugging around since I started this fascinating blog? You have been demanding it*, so here it is!

swim kit

  • Towel: Lifeventure Trek GIANT Microfibre towel. I am such a fan of these – they go into a tiny pack (even when you are terrible at folding, as aptly demonstrated), and they dry ridiculously quickly. Great for any travel, not just swimming. Towel Tech 4TW!
  • Swim cap: TYR swim cap for long hair. (I hope they allow me to wear it – the swimathon caps have been reported as being on the small side, as I witnessed myself on Friday!)
  • Flip-flops: from somewhere. Goodness knows. Flip-flops are so hard to walk in! I must find an alternative. Slippers?
  • Pull buoy I LOVE YOU. Pull buoy isn’t actually coming, but is spiritually part of my team.
  • Leave in conditioner: Boots Sun Swim and Gym. Helps to detangle a little when combing, but doesn’t leave hair feeling particularly conditioned or soft afterwards, but better than nothing.
  • Deodorant: Mitchum fragrance-less. Smelly deodorants in changing rooms = ANTI-SOCIAL.
  • Shower gel: L’Occitante Cherry Blossom – a free sample I was given. CHERRY BLOSSOM!! I am the MATSUOKA Rin! The scent of the cherry blossom is COMPLETELY knocked out by the chlorine though, sorry Rin!
  • Goggles: Speedo Aquapure women’s goggles. These have been the best swimming purchase ever made. Previous goggles had to be on so tight in order not to leak that swimming came with agonising headaches after 20mins. These are a delight ❤
  • Towel turban thing. I am only posting this to SHAME me into getting a new one as this is years old and GROSS. Like this, I guess? I don’t think I have ever even seen them in a shop.
  • Mini hairbrush. It’s a small hairbrush.
  • Just out of sight – 70 hair bobbles. I bought in bulk. The risk of getting to the pool and not having a hair bobble is too much.
  • GOLF BALL! This isn’t coming with me, but like the pull buoy it will be with me in spirit. For rolling under foot. Wish I got one months ago.
  • And finally… the swimming costume aka “the Slaz”. Like this one, I think, but from ebay.

Last but not least: here is the WONDER WIDGET, aka the Speedo Shine. I have to admit this is a somewhat guilty splurge purchase, but what the heck! Treat yo’self.

wonder widget

Annoyingly, whilst the Misfit app is fine for syncing, I gather there is a Speedo app that MAY be good? But it’s iOS only! For fvcks sake!! What apps are iOS only these days. Apps for cockfarmers, that’s what. Yes, you heard me Speedo! Sort it out! And also please never stop making those goggles I linked to above they are the best OK OK pax pax.

*No you haven’t.
my swim kit

Free!! in Swimming Accuracy Shocker

I am still working on my post ranking London swimming pools by HAIRDRYER standards, but in the meantime, here is a RARE EXAMPLE of an accurate reflection of what swimming is actually like from Free!!.


Oh god the years I am spending miserably in front of a hairdryer with the drying power of a fvcking TEA-LIGHT (spoiler alert: I am looking at YOU, ULU).

Ahem, I have only just noticed the NUDEY MAN in the background, this is um, not an accurate reflection of MY swimming experience I should hasten to add. Well, apart from the time that dude got out of the pool and his shorts fell down

Free!! in Swimming Accuracy Shocker